I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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