You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
