you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
