Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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