Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
