Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
