I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
