I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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