i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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