I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
