why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
