Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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