Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
