it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
