I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
