i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
