no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Is it penis luge time yet?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
