my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
