When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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