You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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