Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
