I puked a lego.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
