I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
