I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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