don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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