like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
