Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
