would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
