You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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