First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
