Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
