By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
