Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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