I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
