nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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