Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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