watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
