Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
