Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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