There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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