I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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