True but thats because hes a fetus.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
