Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize