i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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