I hope mine doesn't look like that
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
