She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
