OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
