I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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