I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
