I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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