Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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