Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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