I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
