oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
