he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
