I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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