4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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