I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
