i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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